It's August-and they're Going Baaaaack!
Can you believe it? It's time to jump into the "back-to-school" routine. Once again we're amazed at how the summer flew by. Fall must have arrived faster than ever before! It seems too soon that we are thinking about what the kids need, and what life will be like for them in the next ten months. Ready or not, we set about the tradition of getting the kids ready for school.
But wait! What about the parents?
Back-to-school means changes for the grown-ups too. Undoubtedly, some parents will breathe a sigh of relief at having the kids back in school. Others may be sad that the slower summer pace is ending. Whatever your personal parental point of view, the reality of back-to-school time rings in a "new year," and brings challenges for all.
As grownups and kids go about this yearly business, it might be helpful for parents to consider some "Back-To-School" tips that can make the season easier and brighter for everyone.
Tip One: Taking the Age of Your Child Into Consideration Makes Preparation Easier. (Secret: Even the older ones benefit from parental forethought.)
The "Going-Back" experience will vary depending on your child's age.
A child going into pre-K will need a different preparation than the teen entering first or last year of High School. Even the how and what of selecting the new fall wardrobe will differ based on age. (You will get more say with the six year old than the sixteen year old!-To many parents this is no secret!)
Then there are the supplies. Find out in advance what supplies your child's teachers and the school require. Don't forget to include sports equipment or other extra curricular must-haves. High school students will need binders and back packs. (Some schools do not allow backpacks. You will need this info'.) Also find out what kind of technological equipment is needed for the grade your child is in. Familiarize yourself with what the particular school supplies.
Kids will go forward into a new school experience with more confidence when they feel they have what they will need. If your child does not know what is required you can call the school to find out. Usually personnel will be available to help during the summer.
To avoid an abrupt transition, consider adapting the home routine to the new requirements of the school routine. All kids benefit from consistency, and will do better if they do not go directly from summer rules to school necessity rules, such as bedtime changes, and free time changes. You might help them get used to their new schedule (Again, depending on age and coping ability) by having them experience the new schedule a few days before school starts. If they resist the actual doing, as the older ones might, talking to them about expectations can serve as effective preparation as well.
Tip Two: Communication About Your Child's Going Back Experience Helps Reduce Anxiety. (Secret: talk about it before it happens-and after too.)
Communication helps prepare your young student for the transition back to school. With children who have gone through this experience in the past discuss what has helped them to feel good about themselves, as well as what made the experience enjoyable. With little ones you might make up stories with school situations that create conversation ideas. You can try playing out scenes with puppets, reading books with school themes, as well as watching TV shows, or movies with school plots. You might even try relating a positive childhood school experience of your own. (Younger kids love stories where the hero/heroine is just like them. Try making up a parallel character that can make his/her way through a challenging school transition.)
Be sure to discuss the coming event before the beginning of school. You might ask your child to tell you what he/she thinks school will be like. What has he heard about the new teacher? Is there anything she is worried about? This is part of a process in which the child can begin to point out any problem areas, or the parent can listen for concerns the child is not able to identify. As problem areas are revealed, you can review coping options with your child. This type of "rehearsal" presents on-going preparation for dealing with school and other real life events.
Sometimes a child will return from day one or two with a comment such as "I don't like my teacher;" or "I don't want to go anymore." Dealing with comments like these also depends on the child's age. Little ones need to hear that "You have to go." (Older kids know this, but may also need to hear it.) Follow this type of statement with some questions about what is going on and how you can help. If there is a realistic problem in the class or the school, bring it up with the school. Encourage your child to believe that things usually get better, and that he will get used to the new routine.
Tip Three: Promoting Your Child's Resilience This Fall Will Make Transition Easier Next. (Secret: And throughout the year...and his/her life.)
Resilience is the ability to cope with change and difficulty, as well as to build a fulfilling life. Back to school brings many changes, depending on the child's age and existing coping capacity. Some changes, such as old friends having moved, changes in the school setting, a new school, a new teacher, and/or new rules, may be hard for some. However, the resilience to adapt to changes can be developed. Talk to your child about what may be coming, or what currently is at hand. Go over ideas that your child has for how to handle these changes, and how to make the school experience satisfying.
Continue to give your student a chance to tell you about her school concerns. Offer opportunities to discuss how school experiences have played out. (Look for openings to point out how well your child may have handled something she was concerned about. Normalize worries by reassuring your child that everyone has feelings when they start something new. With school there are new experiences all along the way, even after the new school routine is established.)
Continue to focus on your child's problem solving capacity. Build on conversations you have had in the past (Even yesterday!) about options. Talk about what choices he made. How did things work out? Would he do the same thing the next time? Why or why not?
Growth builds in a spiral. By reviewing what worked in the past and considering what to do in the present and future you help your child to develop the needed inner resources for coping. Your interest and attention will also serve as inspiration and psychological nutrition for the development of your son or daughter's resilience.
Tip Four: Paying Attention to Potential and Actual Problems Helps Children and Teens Build Coping Skills. (Secret: And learn how to deal with emotions at the same time.)
Going back to school, even if the child is home-schooled, presents a normal transition with a variety of problems that must be solved in age-appropriate ways. Bear in mind that normal transitions (Not just unusual ones) bring up normal emotions, as well as the need for problem solving/coping skills. Many adults have been taught to avoid dealing with emotions, but facing feelings is an important tool in problem solving.
Fall is a time when you can help your child to increase her kit of coping tools, and build her capacity to deal with feelings. (Remind yourself that it is okay to face and talk about feelings.)
Reassure your child that feelings about going back to school are normal, and that feelings can be talked about. (All of them, even the ones that he is not proud of) If your child has gone through the back-to- school transition before, remind him of his past ability to adapt and cope with specific problems. If your child is going to school for the first time, talk about other problems she has handled in previous situations and generalize her success to this new situation. Point out the qualities in your child that helped her to handle these past feelings and situations. If she thinks she has not handled a situation well, go back to the review of options for handling a similar occurrence in the future.
Be aware of other problems your child and/or other family members may be having. They may be impacting the way your child is viewing his return to school.
Tip Five: Equip Yourself With Knowledge About The Nature of Stress. (Secret: Stress is not a dirty word. Normal, expectable situations cause stress.)
We know that traumatic situations bring forth the stress response. However, normal situations can also produce stress. Be alert to stress in your child. (And in yourself.)
Be aware of signs of stress such as:
Alterations in sleep patterns, changes in eating habits, (including lack of or larger appetite), low mood, loss of interest in usual fun things, irritability, acting out (particularly, but not only, in older kids), changes in usual behaviors, (fussiness, especially in, but not only in little ones,) increased rudeness, and anything that indicates a change from the norm for your child.
It may be helpful to remember that thoughts play an important role in the amount of stress that one experiences. If you notice any of the above signs (Including things not mentioned that you deem to be stress related for your own child) consider that the child may be having some anxiety thoughts about school starting. (Or about other things going on in her larger environment that may be affecting worries about going to school.)
Look for openings to begin a conversation with your child about what is bothering her. If there are economic, situational, or health problems in the home or wider family network, these may affect the child's thinking about school. Stress works like that. These related concerns may need to be addressed. Your child, and/or other family members may even need outside help to resolve certain problems so that your child's comfort (and possibly everyone's) is improved. (A child does best when her loved ones are doing well.)
In general, a child will experience less stress when the home environment is consistent and predictable. However, life is always handing out problems that need to be solved. Check in on your own resiliency quotient. (The way you cope will affect your child's ability to cope.) Effective problem solving helps to keep the environment predictable, which optimizes your child's ability to manage his Back-To-School experience.
Tip Six: Back-To-School is not a One-Time Only Event. (Not much of a Secret: Your child goes "back to school" most days of the week!)
Beginnings are very important. They set the stage for dynamics going forward. While the big back-to-school moment happens only once a year, there are many returns, such as after vacations, after an illness, or even on a daily basis. Use of these tips at any time can help build your child's capacity to adapt to changes in school, home or life routines.
One idea you might try is this: Think of these "back-to-school" tips as back-to-basics tips. Any time your child has to deal with something new or difficult, you can employ these ideas. The growth in your child's resilience, will make life easier for you as well. These are all purpose tips useful for any occasion. (FYI--they can be helpful for grown-ups too!).
Bette J. Freedson, LCSW, is a stress expert, author and speaker. For over 25 years, she has made overcoming life's challenges easy and accessible. A sought-after media expert, Freedson has been featured on radio shows, several websites and in a number of magazines. Her first book, Soul Mothers' Wisdom: Seven Insights for the Single Mother, is due out in 2012.
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